Tensegrity Counseling Associates Blog

Run to remember

4/28/2019

Today, Tensegrity ran to remember the hearts and stories surrounding the tragedy that occurred April 19, 1995. An event that happened 24 years ago feels fresh and raw to so many and the journey of grief and trauma linger ever-present.

Dark days, tearful moments and painful milestones often take center stage during ones’ trauma journey. But, ...Praise God there is a ‘but’...we were never meant to walk this journey alone. As Trauma Therapists we specialize in wanting better for you by walking with you. We know there is suffering in your story, whatever your story, and we desire to assist in your run, walk and crawl of the race allowing you to focus on the freedom from misery and cling to purpose through your pain.

Tensegrity Counseling Associates longs to support your course of change where ever you are and set sights on your own personal finish line.

For victims. For survivors. For all.

A Therapist’s Tale of Recovery & Sobriety, Grief & Sorrow, Hope for the Future

9/7/2018

September is National Recovery Awareness month and holds an especially personal meaning to me. It is personal because I have been on both sides of recovery and know first-hand how important fighting the stigma of addiction is. Personal because my younger brother passed away September 2011 from an accident related to his substance abuse. September is also his birthday. Personal, because unlike my brother, I somehow stumbled into sobriety from alcohol and managed to hang on by a thread until I could get some professional help. I have been sober from alcohol since 2004.

September leaves me swimming in grief. Do not get me wrong, time does dull the pain, but I still miss my brother as much now as I did 7 years ago. The way grief feels over time changes, but it never goes away, and it never feels “healed”. I say it is never healed, because as a human being, I want it to go completely away. As a clinician, I know that is not realistic. Grief, for me, holds so many complicated moving parts that it is like trying to describe what “normal” is. Nobody really knows what normal is and nobody really understands grief entirely until they experience it. So, what I am attempting to do here in this very personal story, is explain what grief has been like for me. I hope that some will be able to relate and for others it might help you understand what your loved ones or friends are experiencing.

My little brother’s birthday is September 6th. He would have been 41 this year. Not only is his birthday September 6th, but his accident happened September 23, 2011 and he passed away on September 25, 2011. Two days. Two days of shock, and pain, confusion, and praying, begging and pleading with God, then ultimately turning him over to God. The grief, unlike anything I have experienced before was deep as the ocean. Grief really is not an adequate word for it either. Sorrow and despair is more fitting.

I got the call in the wee hours of a Friday morning. I was getting myself ready for work before waking up my kids for school. My mom was frantic, “Angie, we’re on our way to Wichita. Danny is being med-flighted to the hospital. Dad found him at the bottom of the basement stairs. He somehow fell and hit the back of his head. We’re not sure how long he was there. It’s very serious. We’re not sure if he’s going to make it.”

My head was swimming in confusion and fear. All I could think was, “I have to get there”. I did get there. I called my husband. We made sure the kids were taken care of and we were there several hours later. What I walked into was a horrific scene. Not horrific as in violent, but horrific in that it was terrifying and hard to understand. My brain was on overdrive. My husband and I got off the elevator and immediately noticed that the waiting room and hallway was full of people. All of my brother’s family and friends were here. Everyone was scared. I was taken right away to my brother who was in ICU. He was hooked up to all kinds of machines that were constantly measuring his vitals. One number in particular everyone was watching closely. It was measuring the temperature related to his brain hemorrhaging. I immediately focused on my brother and everyone let me through.

It was heart wrenching. I was the last to arrive because I lived the furthest away. I sat on the bed right next to him, touched his arm, and told him “Sis is here. I’m sorry it took me so long”. He was completely unresponsive and I knew it was bad. I just sat there and looked at him with tears rolling down my cheeks. My little brother, this tall, muscular man, laying completely helpless and unconscious in a hospital ICU room. I was given a little privacy and walked behind his bed to see the skull fracture. I immediately started asking lots of questions. How did this happen? How does somebody fall straight back onto the back of their head? I found out later that he had been very intoxicated on multiple substances. He was staying at my parent’s house for a few days and was sleeping in the basement. Nothing could be done except sit, wait, and pray. And that’s what we did. It was excruciating. After being there for several hours we started getting more information from the medical professionals. The prognosis was not good. The left hemisphere of his brain had already shut down. I knew then that he probably would not live and even if he did he would be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life. You cannot live a normal life with just the right hemisphere of your brain. Danny had fallen straight back and fractured the thickest part of his skull. This area is very difficult to fracture and it was severe. His brain was hemorrhaging and swelling slowly. He was dying.

I cannot adequately describe to you how this felt. I started going through all the typical stages of grief…shock and denial…anger…bargaining with God…depression…like a roller coaster, and sometimes all of them in the matter of minutes. I did not reach the final stage of acceptance until about 36 hours later in the middle of the night. Earlier that evening, which was Saturday night, the nurse coordinator for the organ donor program met with us in a conference room down the hall. My brother had expressed interest just days before of wanting to donate his organs if anything ever happened to him. It was such a surreal experience that once again I cannot properly describe it. I am sitting in a small room with my husband, my parents and my sister in-law. We are answering all kinds of questions about my brother’s life, things he had done, his health, scars, all the health problems he’d ever had…everything.

I felt incredibly confused. I was so sad that we were having this discussion. I was angry because he was still breathing right down the hall. I was shocked that we were even there. After that meeting I could not wait at the hospital anymore. I said goodbye to my brother and checked into the hotel across the street. I was exhausted. I had a hard time going to sleep and when I did I kept waking up in a fit of sobbing, rolling over to check my phone to see if anyone had called to tell me he was gone. This went on for hours. I finally got tired of this roller coaster and locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldn’t wake my husband up crying. I spent a long time on my knees praying for a miracle and then finally realizing I needed to just give my brother up to God. I eventually got the call that he was gone, somewhere around 2:00 or 3:00 a.m.

The next few weeks are real fuzzy. I cannot tell you what I did. I could not work. People from church brought us meals. I could not eat or sleep. I could not watch tv or listen to music. My world just felt empty and silent. I remember one day a friend came over to check on me. She made me go outside and sit on the porch when she realized I had not been out of the house at all for days. When I stepped outside it was bright and sunny. I sat down on the porch swing and watched cars drive by. I had the most bizarre and surreal experience. I remember thinking, “why is the sun shining so brightly? My brother is dead. Look at all these people driving somewhere. Don’t they know my brother is dead?” I know it sounds weird, but I was genuinely surprised that the world had not stopped. It was just me that stopped. The hole inside was enormous. I felt like my heart was in a vice grip. Not in a heart attack sort of way, but in a broken heart sort of way. My heart was broken into a million pieces and it would never feel the same again. I was confident I would not be able to function normal ever again. A piece of me was gone forever.

Eventually I was able to go back to work and I was different. Before all this happened I was a stubborn, strong personality who rarely showed emotion. Years of my own addiction left me with shut down feelings. Yes, I was a therapist. Yes, I encouraged people to work through their feelings, and I was comfortable with other people expressing emotion, but I personally had not embraced my own. After my brother died all my defenses were gone. I could not hold it together anymore. I could not hide my emotion or keep myself from crying. I cried every day for at least a year. Many days I cried several times a day. I had somehow reached the very end of myself and felt emotionally raw, vulnerable in a way I had never been before, scared, and confused. I went through spells where I could not tolerate any sound at all. I would drive to work in complete silence. I quit reading. I was not interested in anything on tv. I lost interest in food. I did not exercise. I had no words when I tried to pray. I just stopped. A lot of days I just felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.

Grief and sorrow is hard to describe. It felt like I had been on this boat in the middle of the ocean and never realized I was even on a boat. Then I was dumped overboard and was swimming, but could not find land. The water was deep and I was surrounded by scary things that I could not see. I did not know which direction I was even going. I just kept swimming in sorrow. Sometimes I would be pulled under by the sorrow and would have to find ways to come up for air once in a while. Other days I was able to float on the surface without looking down and would be ok.

I had a lot of work to do. It took me a long time, but I eventually went back to therapy. EMDR therapy in particular saved my life. I stayed sober. I learned to swim through my grief without it swallowing me. I learned that I would never find a way completely out of the water and that was ok. It would not kill me. I eventually found an island way out in the middle that I could survive on. The sorrow is all around me still. I swim into it once in a while. I understand myself much better.

I have given myself permission to feel these overwhelming feelings and even express them openly at times. I realize that my brother is worth crying over. He is worth missing. He is worth all of my tears and pain and they are so great because my love for my brother was huge. He was a big pain in the ass when we were kids. But I always loved him and I still do. I will never be the same and thank God for that. And thank God I did not start drinking again.

Before all this happened I was already specializing in addiction therapy. Since then though, I have a much bigger flame fueling my passion in this work of providing therapy for people struggling with addiction and helping their families. I cannot help it. It is where God has led me and planted my feet firmly in the middle.

I would like to end this with some hope and words of wisdom, if I may use the term “wisdom” very loosely here.

For loved ones of addicts:

If you have a loved one struggling with addiction, tell them how much you love them. Offer to get them help and be a part of the process with them.
Seek help yourself and let professionals help you learn how to love your addict through the addiction without being a part of their addiction.
Remember, your loved one is making their own choices. They are already putting themselves in harms way all on their own. You cannot save them, but you can keep encouraging them and expressing concern.
You cannot do your loved one’s recovery and sobriety for them. They have to do it themselves.
Even if your loved one does not get sober, you can still seek help to find out how you can survive the process.
Never underestimate the power of prayer.
No matter what your loved one does in their addiction it is not your fault or your success.

For the ones struggling with addiction:

You don’t have to wait until your life is in crisis to get help.
You are not the only one who is suffering from your behavior. Everyone who cares about you is affected. Your job or school performance is affected. Your future is affected. Your body and health is affected.
What are you running from or numbing? Why do you need to escape reality with chemicals or addictive behaviors? The answers to these questions are the key to your sobriety.
If you hurt someone physically or emotionally from your addiction, can you live with yourself?
Have you ever thought about what hopes and dreams you have? Do you think they are achievable engaging in your addiction?
What happened to you that you don’t want to talk about? This will unlock your path to sobriety.
Are you scared of who you are without your addiction? Here’s a secret…every person I have ever known that struggles with an addiction found a much better version of themselves when they quit their addiction.
Are you scared to get sober or you don’t know how? Good news, there are lots of really great professionals that can help you.

If you don’t know where to start to get help, email me at angie.ridings@gmail.com and I’ll help you find resources in your area no matter where you are. I stay connected to therapists all over the Oklahoma area and nationwide. You don’t have to do it by yourself.

Post written by Angie Ridings, LPC

Are Your Health Problems Linked to Untreated Anxiety?

6/29/2018

Anxiety can be debilitating. Just ask anyone who has had a panic attack. The onset of panic can leave you feeling like you’re having a heart attack or dying. Panic attacks are just one form of anxiety. Other types of anxiety such as phobias (irrational fears), social anxiety, agoraphobia (fear of leaving one’s home), and generalized anxiety (exaggerated worrying) can be just as debilitating. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder used to fall under the umbrella of anxiety disorders, but are so serious that they now stand alone as their own category in the latest version of the diagnostic manual. Untreated anxiety can lead to numerous health and emotional problems.

According to Harvard Health Publications the following are anxiety related health problems.

Gastrointestinal disorders – irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), functional dyspepsia (upset stomach)
Respiratory disorders – asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)
Heart Disease
Somatoform disorders (physical symptoms that have no apparent cause: headaches, body pain, nausea, weakness, dizziness) – hypochondriasis, body dysmorphic disorder, pain disorder, conversion disorder

Normal, everyday anxiety is good for us. It warns us of danger, keeps us out of trouble, and keeps our senses sharp when we need to perform. Chronic anxiety leads to an overload of stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol), which trigger the fight or flight response. Stress hormones are intended to get us through short-term situations. Our bodies cannot handle long-term, chronic levels of stress hormones without wear and tear on almost all of your body’s processes.

Remember, it’s never too late to get help for your anxiety. Don’t let it go untreated.

Here are some tips to get you started.

Try to identify the physical symptoms you have when you are starting to feel anxious.
Once you notice the physical sensations, stop and notice what types of thoughts you are having.
Then notice if anything is happening in your environment that is contributing to the anxious feelings.
Identify the ways you are trying to control things that are completely out of your control.
Identify the ways you are feeling helpless.
Purposefully focus on something that you do have control over or can take action on right now.
Don’t forget to breath. Anxiety builds when your breathing gets very shallow or you are holding your breath.
Use visual imagery. Develop a peaceful place in your mind that you can go to at any time. Think about a happy memory.

Post written by Angie Ridings, LPC

Tech & gaming addiction - A new program begins soon in edmond, ok

1/12/2018

Did you know that the top technology manufacturers design their products purposefully to be addictive? If that doesn't shock you, maybe this will. The leaders of many tech companies won't even let their own children use these devices because of how addictive they are!

Are you stunned yet? I am! As a mom and as an addiction specialist I am appalled by this information. Even more appalling is that these tech companies are targeting children. Do you know why? Because the earlier they hook you, the more likely you are to be addicted to their products. And if you are addicted to their products you want more, more, more.

One of my big projects of 2017 was to learn as much as possible about technology and gaming. The things I learned have rocked me to the core. I am concerned, very concerned, about our children.

I decided to do something about this. That’s why we are starting a Tech & Gaming Addiction program in my practice that will be kicking off in February 2018.

Our program is designed to help all ages. The program will consist of the following.

Educational opportunities for parents
Treatment options in the form of individual therapy, group therapy, and family therapy
Assessment and customized treatment planning

Tech & Gaming addiction encompasses many types of behaviors.

Video games and online gaming
Social media
Phone and tablet apps
Sexting
Texting
Pornography
Internet infidelity
Cybersex
Online gambling
Chat rooms

Our program consists of the following phases.

Phase 1: Assessment
Phase 2: Treatment planning & preparations
Phase 3: Resetting the nervous system
Phase 4: Assessing progress & treatment plan adjustments
Phase 5: Re-Entry to healthy digital use

Treatment plans will be designed to be age appropriate. All ages are welcome. Please contact us with your questions or to get started.

Post written by Angie Ridings, LPC

#MeToo Movement Discussions: How to Minimize the Risk of Sexual Harassment & Defining Consent

12/3/2017

Long before I became a therapist I worked in Human Resources. For this article I am putting on my HR hat. Here are some basic tips to protect yourself in any setting, but especially a workplace setting. These tips are for all men and women and can minimize your risk of being the one accused of sexual harassment or being on the receiving end.

Do not have closed door meetings with two people of the opposite sex. Keep the door open. If it needs to be private or confidential, try these tips.

Make sure both parties consent and record the meeting
Have a manager or peer sit in on the meeting just to have another presenc

Be respectful of personal space. It is not usually necessary to get closer than a foot or two of a person.
Do not ever touch another person, even if it is strictly platonic, unless you have their consent. Believe it or not, not everyone likes to be touched. Granted, many people do not mind a pat on the back, a tap on the shoulder, or a sideways hug, but you never know who will be ok with it and who will be offended. Here are a few suggestions of what to do instead.

If the setting is appropriate and you want to hug the person, just ask, “May I give you a quick hug?”
If you are trying to get the persons attention, say their name rather than tap them on the shoulder.
If you are thanking or congratulating someone, instead of a pat on the back, try gestures that have to be reciprocated such as a handshake, high five, or fist bump.

Look people in the eyes when you are talking to them. There is no need to look anywhere else, especially places that feel creepy.
Do not make crude jokes, sexual innuendos, or inappropriate comments. Ever.
Do not pass around or show jokes, comics, posters, etc. with questionable or sexual content.
Never ask out or date someone who you have authority over in any capacity. Yes, there may be mutual attraction there. Yes, it could be completely harmless. However, it could also create a very difficult situation. What if you break up? What if the relationship makes other people in the workplace uncomfortable? What if the person you ask out does not feel like they can say no? Be very careful and do not even put yourself in this situation at all.
If you fall madly in love with an employee or coworker and it is genuinely mutual then one of you needs to get another job.

This brings me to another point. What is consent? Consent seems to be an easy concept on the surface, but the extraordinary number of sexual allegations in mainstream media these days makes me wonder as a clinician if some people really know what consent truly means. Let’s just clear up any possible confusion.

Keep in mind these basic rules of consent.

Consent is always mutual.
Consent is never assumed.
Consent requires a specific request and a specific answer.
The answer of yes or no should be respected the first time no matter what.
Silence is never consent.
Consent can never truly exist with a minor, in a position of authority, under the influence, unconscious, or forced.

Remember, consent means giving permission, a mutual agreement, approval. Here are some other things to keep in mind.

Everyone has the right to change their mind any time they want. A yes, can turn into a no and needs to be respected.
Consent in the past does not give someone a free pass in the future.
Consent and appropriate boundaries are necessary in all types of relationships.
In the context of a marriage, sexual consent applies in this arena as well. A spouse, man or woman, has the right to say no any time they want to. Nobody has the right to force their spouse into sexual activity. A marriage license does not equal entitlement or ownership.
How someone dresses or looks never entitles another person to treat them however they want.

For more information about the #MeToo Movement, check out my previous blog Deniers Are Just as Hurtful as Abusers in the #MeToo Movement - A Therapist's Perspective & Some Encouragement For All Survivors.

Post written by Angie Ridings, LPC

Deniers Are Just as hurtful As Abusers in the #MeToo Movement - A Therapist's perspective & some encouragement for all survivors

11/20/2017

I am disturbed by what I’m seeing in Hollywood, Washington DC, Alabama, and here at home. I have been quietly watching the news all the while thinking, “Wow! Good for those women and men. They are so brave for speaking up!” Then I hear the stories of the people who are DEFENDING the abusers! Why are these people, who I call the Deniers, even getting air time or attention?

Let me begin by saying, I too have a #metoo story. In fact, I have several #metoo stories. I too am a victim of abuse. I use the term victim because those of us who have been hurt by abuse have been victimized, not because we live as victims. I am a survivor and a thriver. I have spent years working on myself and getting healthy. Now I fuel the energy of my pain into helping others and being an advocate. Just to be clear, being victimized is an action, not a title. If you want to call me something, I go by the titles of mom, wife, friend, boss, business owner, licensed therapist, or just Angie.

My first #metoo story is from childhood. I told a few trusted adults that I was being sexually abused. Unfortunately, my speaking out was met with disbelief, relentless questioning, requests for proof, lots of doubt, and even being told that I was misinterpreting harmless affection. What happened after that was that I shut completely down and quit talking about it. Since I stopped talking about it people assumed everything was resolved, everybody moved on, and I was forced to be around my abuser regularly. Finally at the age of 30 (no this isn’t a typo), I finally said no to being around my abuser. Why did I wait so long to say no? Because I didn’t know I had a choice. That may sound silly to some of you, but that’s how a victim thinks before they get empowered.

The other #metoo stories are just like a lot of yours. Some incidents happened as a teenager that left me violated. One in particular happened as an adult fresh out of college where one of the men at work liked to creep up behind me and seductively rub my shoulders. I was very vocal about him not doing this, asked him to stop every time, asked him to never do it again, even telling the boss. The abuser would laugh it off as if I were playing hard to get and the boss (who was a female by the way) told me that it was harmless and that he was just being nice. Nothing was done about it.

Why am I telling this story now? Because I want people to know how damaging it is to a person who speaks up and is not believed or the abuse is minimized. Worse yet, the person might be believed, but the abuser still gets elected, appointed, promoted, or gets to keep their position in the family or society.

I am appalled at the level of denial happening in our society. It is everywhere. It is our culture. We want to do what we want without dealing with the hard stuff. It is too hard finding another official to elect. It is too hard dealing with the family aftermath. It is too hard disciplining or firing that person with clout. So the bad behavior gets ignored or worse yet, rewarded.

My Disclaimer: As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, of teen sexual assault, of sexual harassment in the workplace, and of the secondary trauma of not being believed, I have something to say. Let me put a disclaimer on this. I am speaking from a unique place here. I am speaking from a hurt place as a multiple incident victim who has done many, many years of work on me personally with skilled therapists. I have healed tremendously to the point where I am unrecognizable from the abused little girl I once was. The place I speak from is also highly educated about people, how their brains are affected by abuse and neglect, and what it takes to heal, because this has become my specialty.

To the Abusers out there I say this: You hurt people because you think you are entitled and you have always been able to get away with it. But guess what? We women and men who have been your victims are many. We out number you and we have had enough. We are no longer going to allow you to abuse and get away with it. We will be speaking up and telling people.

Just because you have perpetrated other people does not mean you have to continue. You can choose to stop. You can choose to get help. Skilled professionals who have been trained in treating offending behavior are out there, in almost every large city. Please get some help and stop passing along the legacy of pain and hurt to others.

To the Deniers out there I have a different message: Deniers are just as bad and equally guilty as abusers. Deniers are people who are told that something bad has happened and do not believe. They think we victims have something to gain by accusing. Worse yet, they may believe us, but do not care. Deniers would rather see an official elected than deal with the real problem because the abuser supports their political agenda. Deniers would rather give the abuser a promotion or lateral position to get them away from the victim instead of reprimanding or firing them. Deniers sit idly by and let abusers continue hurting people because they do not want to deal with the problem. Deniers let abusers in a family system do what they want, still come to family events, or still hold an important place in the family while the victim has to be around them and swallow their pain. It is too hard to split the family up or make the abuser deal with the consequences.

If you have been a denier, you can redeem yourself. You can stop the denial and deal with the problem. You can still give the victim the support and validation they need. You can choose to do the right thing. Apologize and then give the victim in your life your moral support. Just be there for them. Believe them.

To the Deniers and Abusers:
Let me just clear up a common misconception. Victims do not make things up except in the movies or in very rare cases. Speaking up and coming forward takes more courage than you will ever know. Before victims say a word we are already scared that we will not be believed, that the whole thing will be turned around on us. When we speak up it is hard. We have to tell the story over and over again, relive the pain, defend ourselves, and explain why we are speaking up. So please do not tell me to keep my mouth shut. And please do not tell me I am making things up or that I misinterpreted what happened. And please, please, please, do not act like I am the crazy and unstable one.

Lastly, to all the victims out there, women and men: Do not back down now. There are many, many more of us than there are Abusers and Deniers. This is just the beginning. The tidal wave is coming. We are strong when we speak up, but we are much stronger together. You are brave and courageous and I believe you. Do not keep quiet. Tell your story. Speak up at work. Speak out against the elected officials who work for YOU and who have their job because it is their duty to represent YOU. Do not keep quiet about your boss, the Vice President, or President at work who is abusing their power. Say something and know that I and all the other victims believe you and support you.

Lastly, as a licensed clinician, here are some resources for all survivors, abusers and deniers to get help:

Post written by Angie Ridings, LPC

Broken Together: The Truth About Marriage

9/5/2017

I am simply in love with this song called Broken Together by Casting Crowns. In case you haven’t heard it, I’ve included the lyrics below. Before you read it though, let me tell you why I love it so much. I love it because it tells the truth about marriage.

The truth is that marriage rarely turns out to be exactly what you expected. How well do you really know someone until you’ve been married to them for years? Falling in love is great. Getting married is wonderful. Staying married is hard work.

The truth is we are all broken in some way. If you expect your spouse to be the perfect mate you will be disappointed. If you expect your spouse to do things around the house just like mom or dad, you may not get what you expect. If you think being married will solve all of your emotional or sexual problems, wrong again.

My point here is that in order to have a happy marriage, you have to learn to be broken together. Everyone has baggage, some heavier than others. Life will bring many ups and downs. How a couple handles the trials of life is vital to the marriage lasting. Trials will come. None of us gets to escape them. Illness, miscarriage, infertility, addiction, mental illness, history of abuse, distorted views of sex, death of a loved one, job loss, car accidents, discrimination, natural disasters…I could go on forever. I know this sounds depressing, but I want to encourage you to be realistic. Live in the here and now. Ask yourself, am I willing to do whatever it takes to make my marriage last? (Obviously there are exceptions to this, such as being abused by a spouse. Nobody should ever have to tolerate abuse.)

How has marriage been different from what you expected? How have you overcome the big challenges in life together as a couple? What changes do YOU need to make for your relationship to last?

Lyrics to Broken Together (Writer: Bernie Herms)

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we’re not the fairytale you dreamed we’d be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we won’t give up the fight

How To Have Better Communication in Your Marriage

8/31/2017

Have you ever noticed that couples who struggle the most do not communicate? Learning to communicate takes practice. Don’t feel bad if you struggle with this. Do something about it! Your marriage will be better than it has ever been.

Someone told me recently about a suggestion they got right before their wedding. A loved one wrote down a few questions and suggested the new husband and wife answer these questions every week for each other. I thought it was such a wonderful idea I had to pass it along. Here are their questions as well as a few of my own.

What made you feel most loved by me this week?
What can I do better?
What was the highlight of your week?
How are you feeling about our love/sex/intimacy?
What are you most worried about right now?
What do you need most this week?

Just think how answering these simple questions can tell you so much about your spouse and your marriage. The other part of communication is listening. When your spouse is talking, try to follow these suggestions.

Don’t interrupt your spouse while they are answering the question.
Don’t be judgmental about their answer.
Don’t be critical or try to defend yourself. Just listen and be supportive.

I’d like to leave you with some personal questions to ask yourself. These are for you to ponder on your own and are a great gauge to how well you personally communicate.

Did any of the questions above make you uncomfortable?
Would you feel awkward discussing these with your spouse?
Do you feel the urge to withhold your answers to any of these questions from your spouse?
Would your spouse’s honest answer to any of these questions make you angry?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then think about why.

Yes answers to these personal questions are barriers to healthy communication with your spouse. These are the areas you can work on for yourself. The more you know about your spouse, the more comfortable you get with each other. Be consistent and do this once a week. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Post written by Angie Ridings

6 Lies About Addicts People Believe

8/24/2017

Being addicted to a substance or compulsive behavior is hell. Most addicts will tell you they feel very misunderstood. Family and friends struggle to understand, but how do you make sense of such a baffling thing as addiction. Here are some common things I hear about addicts that are straight up lies and the truth behind them.

Lie #1: Addicts have a choice about becoming addicted.

Truth: Addicts don’t choose to be addicted to their substance or compulsive behavior. Nobody starts drinking, smoking, gambling, masturbating, looking at pornography, taking pills, spending, or having sex with the goal of becoming dependent on it. It usually starts out very harmless. Maybe it starts with a drink with friends, a puff of a friend’s cigarette, a night out at the casino for the first time, or a prescription after a surgery. Possibly it made you feel included, a little bit of relief from your stressful life, the social aspect of it, or feeling loved. It happens innocently, but it can easily turn into a compulsion. You don’t choose it and sometimes you don’t even know you’re dependent until you try to stop, a friend expresses concern, or you start having relationship problems.

Lie #2: Addicts enjoy their addictive behavior.

Truth: The drinking, smoking, sex or gambling may have started out as fun, but addicts don’t enjoy being a prisoner to their substance or behavior. I know this may be hard for some people to believe, but it’s true. Once you cross that line into dependence it’s not fun anymore. You can’t stop any time you want to. You can’t stop thinking about it. You can’t have just one. You can’t just do it one more time. You are obsessed with when your next high will be. You forget how to have fun without it. You dream about it. You need it more and more. It becomes more important than your loved ones, your job, and your life. It completely high-jacks your ability to use good judgment. It consumes you. Does this sound like fun? Absolutely not.

Lie #3: Addicts have poor morals.

Truth: Addicts are not bad people. Most addicts have a very high moral standard, but they violate their own moral standards because they are dependent on a substance or behavior. Compulsive behavior is not a moral flaw or an indication of poor values. In fact, that is one of the many reasons why the compulsive behavior is an addiction, because it violates even your own morals and you cannot stop despite the consequences. Yes, addicts do bad things. In fact, human beings do bad things. We all do bad things, but that doesn’t make us inherently bad. Yes, addicts lie. They cheat on their spouses. They get DUI’s and get into fights. They lose their life savings gambling and find themselves looking at pornography instead of making love to their partner. They hurt people and they break people’s hearts. But, you know what? People that are not even addicted to a substance or behavior cheat on their spouses, spend way too much money, look at pornography, lie, get into fights, hurt people and break people’s hearts. The point? Non-addicts and addicts are all human beings who make mistakes. We all hurt people with our behavior and our choices at times in our life.

Lie #4: Only certain types of people become addicted to something.

Truth: Anyone can be addicted. Yes, that’s right, ANYONE! Addiction does not discriminate by social class, race, professional groups, gender, or age. Addiction happens to homeless people, rich people, middle class, men, women, adults, teenagers, elderly, White, Black, Asian, Native American, Americans, Europeans, doctors, lawyers, grocery store clerks, bank presidents, full time mom’s, full time dad’s, school teachers, and therapists. I think you get the idea here. Nobody is exempt.

Lie #5: It’s easy to quit.

Truth: If you are addicted to a substance or behavior it is NOT easy to quit. In fact, if it is easy for you to just quit, you’re probably not addicted to or dependent upon that substance or behavior. Addiction is a disorder in which the reward center of the brain no longer functions in a normal way. Once you’re addicted to something you believe you “need” that something. You have withdrawals without it. The withdrawals don’t have to be physical, they can be psychological. You need more and more and more to get the same high you used to. It takes a real commitment to quit something once you’re dependent. You may need therapy, medication, detox, inpatient treatment, group therapy, support groups, accountability partners, getting your family and friends involved. Better yet, you may do ALL of these things to improve your odds of quitting, but you don’t just quit with the snap of a finger overnight.

Lie #6: Addicts don’t care if they are hurting others or they would quit.

Truth: Addicts don’t do what they do to hurt their family and friends. In fact, most addicts believe they are hurting nobody but themselves. They don’t typically realize the ripple effect until their spouse leaves them, they lose their job, their kids avoid them, or somebody does an intervention. Let’s do a quick experiment. Try this for me. Put your hand as close to your eyes as possible. What do you see? Only the palm of your hand, right? You can’t see the room behind your hand, if someone is standing there, or what is even happening in the background. You only see the close up of your hand. That’s exactly how addiction is. When you’re into something so deep that you’re dependent you don’t see anything else happening around you except what’s right in your face. You become blinded by your substance or behavior. It consumes you. You don’t mean to hurt people. Hurting friends and family is a natural result of addictive behaviors.

I hope that these truths are helpful to you or someone you care about. Let’s keep this discussion going. Addiction and other compulsive behaviors are treatable and beatable with the right help and especially the truth!

Written by Angie Ridings, LPC, LADC

free recovery event - come and join us!

8/23/2017

As a new company to the Edmond, OK area, we are honored to be hosting an upcoming event that highlights the importance of sobriety and recovery. The event is called Night of Hope OKC! It is for anyone who has been impacted by addiction find HOPE and HELP. Be sure and stop by our booth at the after party and say hi!

I am continually amazed by the number of people who have had their lives touched somehow by addiction. If you know anything about me, you know that I've been in alcohol addiction recovery since 2004. My life has changed dramatically since that time. Prior to that, my life was a complete roller coaster ride, and not a very fun one. I chose to stay on the roller coaster much longer than it had to be. Why? Mostly because I was scared...scared of what I'd have to do to get sober...scared of how I'd have to learn to live sober...scared of my feelings without being numb...scared of my past. And then I reached a point where I was scared to continue drinking...scared by the fact that the alcohol wasn't strong enough to numb my pain anymore...scared that I was feeling intense feelings anyway...scared of my future if I kept drinking.

Then there is the other side of the coin. The side that misses my brother terribly because he died from his addiction, never knowing what sobriety was like, hurting his family and friends, loving him so much, but not being able to save him from himself. You see, I know what it feels like to be the addict and the family member who is hurt by a loved one's addiction. It sucks being on either side.

The good news is that there is hope and help. We are equipped at Tensegrity to help you whether you're the one struggling with addiction or the family or friend of an addict. You don't have to suffer alone or in silence.

Night of Hope OKC is FREE!! It's fun!! You'll experience some great speakers, music, and resources. Be there! And when you are ready to get help or support, call (405.285.7332) or email us! We'd be honored to hear from you!

If you're from out of town, don't worry! We will accommodate you on the weekends for appointments and intensives! Just let us know how we can help.

Angie